What does Europe mean to you?: 8

Hello Europe, this is Bournemouth calling. Here are the votes from the Dorset jury.

[PAUSE]

Before I give you the results of the 'Choose an Anthem for this year's archaeological Big Dig', let me entertain you all with a song...

....no? OK, well, let me at least tell you what a great show you've put on for us all tonight. Alright, so there were maybe, just maybe, a few too many power ballads..

far, far too many power ballads.

And, now I come to think of it, way, way too many examples of extreme interpretative dance

(generated, I guess, in an attempt to disguise the fact that the songs that they accompanied were, well not to put too fine a point on it, frankly a bit poo).

Actually, sometimes these unrelated background distractions far outstripped the song itself, providing the only truly memorable aspect of the performance. Ukrainian man in a giant hamster wheel anyone?

or how about Azerbaijani woman on a trapeze?

or ice-skating Montenegrin?

or bearded Austrian lady?

or conjoined Russian twins?

or milk-churning Slavs "showing their natural beauty"..?

(at least that's what I think the song said they were supposed to be doing....not really sure about that one).

In the end, though, it all boiled down to the usual mix of glorious insanity, dynamic 'lets-get-out-of-the-minibus-and-start-mattocking-like-crazy' energy and the full compliment of 'hey, hey, hey' s. So, without any further ado, the results of the Dorset jury, now that the full quota of bribes have arrived and been counted, are as follows:

Three points go to the Caligula-disco of La mia citta performed by Italy's (no second name) 'Emma':

What they hell was she thinking?...truly wonderful.

Four points go to cookery-obsessed 'Aarzemnieki' from Latvia with their Marry-Berry inspired Cake to Bake':

Quirky, strange and faintly sinister, this jolly ditty sadly never made it past the semi-final (even though the singer claims to have discovered Atlantis on his way to the kitchen).

Five points are awarded by Dorset to Cheesecake by 'Teo' from (surprisingly) Stalin-esque Belarus who gave us his sub-Sinatra / Michael Buble routine all hooked upon the line "My Sweet Cheesecake" (which continued, and developed, the baking-theme from the previous song):

I suspect something got lost in translation.

Six glorious and well-deserved points go to Hunter of Stars by Switzerland's 'Sebalter':

which threw everything at the performance including whistling, fiddling (oo-er) and a rousing interlude of hey, hey heying.

Seven points are awarded by the Dorset jury to My Slowianie - We are Slavic by Poland's Donatan and Cleo:

a rapping, slapping, heaving musical version of Carry on Matron.

Eight points to must go to the infuriatingly catchy Moustache by France's 'Twin Twin':

a heart-rending tale of one young man's unsuccessful attempts to produce hair on his upper lip.

Ten points are awarded to the spectacular No Prejudice by Iceland's answer to the Teletubbies, the wonderfully named 'Pollaponk':

an inspired piece of synchronised, hirsute primary-coloured madness.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for (cue drum roll). 

It was a truly close-run thing and several times during the night the song that eventually came second (No Prejudice) was vying for first place, the lead changing many times over as the jury debated, argued and punched each other, but, in the end, there could really only ever be one winner. Twelve points go to Rise Up by Greece's 'Freaky Fortune featuring RiskyKidd':

OK so there was a bit of rapping BUT it had a trampoline AND of course, was the only song of the entire night that featured trumpets....no contest then really.

So as Greece once more tops the list of successful themes for the dig (I'd shout 'fix' if I didn't know that the voting had been so scrupulous and fair), rural Dorset prepares for the archaeo-musical onslaught.

C'mon and rise up! Thank you Europe and good night.