So there I was in a meeting.
Seriously, I don't know why I do this to myself.
Someone, and sadly I can't recall who, once said that the Roman
Empire never had meetings, seminars and workplace discussion
groups - they were successful because they just went out and got things done.
Now, I assume they must have been referring to Rome
Workplace jargon
Two words, easy to explain but far far less easy
to deal with. I've previously discussed my love / hate relationship with
'double-speak' - the euphemism, misinformation and verbal camouflage deployed
by officials, bureaucrats, civil servants, the military, managers and others
(who evidently feel inferior to their fellow man / woman) in order to hide 'the
truth' (or make it more palatable to the uninitiated). Trouble is, on the one
hand, I can't help but admire double-speak (for its unabashed, naked affront),
whilst I simultaneously despise it (for adding a layer of unnecessary
complication to things that should be far simpler to comprehend).
Anyway, there I was in a meeting. I knew it was
going to be awkward from the start, for the chair (a person rather than an
inanimate wooden object) was asked a difficult question and instantly reverted
to the default setting of extreme jargon. The following examples are recorded
'as they were spoke':
We need to maximise blue-sky thinking
I hear this one a lot, but am ultimately none the
wiser - I think 'blue sky thinking' is supposed to relate to some form of
creative process, but to me the words 'blue' and 'sky' when added to the word
'thinking' convey a deep sense of relaxation; perhaps lying on my back in thick
grass staring up at a clear, blue summer sky and drifting slowly (and
contentedly) off to sleep (preferably after a large and deeply satisfying lunch
involving a vast quantity of cheese). This is, I'm guessing, not the meaning
that practitioners of double-speak intend. Sleep can be remarkably creative, it
is true, but I'm not sure that any of my dreams would be particularly useful in
the workplace (as they usually end with me chasing a Disney cartoon character
(generally Donald Duck) around a shopping centre with a baseball bat covered in
trifle shouting "eat it you pathetic excuse for an animal" or some
such). If they really want to harness the creative potential of sleep, however,
then I'm more than happy to clear my desk, set out a blanket and doze for the
larger part of the working day....suits me.
Thinking outside the box
I don't know about you, but I never think that
I'm in a box to start with. The only time I ever feel particularly
claustrophobic is, surprisingly enough, when I'm in the middle of a meeting
(especially if it's held in a room with no natural light or air circulation).
Under such circumstances I am more than happy to 'think outside the box' if
that is taken to mean 'leave the meeting immediately, climb the nearest hill,
lie down for a bit and engage in all that thinking about a blue sky).
Create the storyboard
Sorry, are we in the middle of a scripted scene?
Is what we perceive to be reality in reality false? Are we, in fact, employed
to write fiction in order to sustain this false reality? If so, for whom? About
what? Will it have a beginning, middle and end? Will it be filled with mindless
violence involving a trifle? Will there be cheese?
Joined-up thinking
You mean thinking...just thinking, plain and
simple. Show me an employee who doesn't think and I'll show you a cat in
trousers - in fact show me a hill to lie upon and I'll climb up there, lie down
and think with the best of them.
Cover all points of the compass
Presumably as I attempt to find a suitable hill
to lie down on?
Off the shelf
To be honest I don't get to take stuff off the
shelves much - in fact what I need are more shelves to put things on. Anyone
who has been to my office can testify that I although I am apparently in
possession of a desk, three chairs a side table and 2 square metres of carpet
(red, I think), all these items of furniture are liberally scattered (or deeply
buried) in research work (current), research work (on hold), research work
(abandoned because I can't find it under the other research work), student
assignments (marked), student assignments (being marked), student assignments
(double marked), student assignments (awaiting moderation), books (read), books
(unread), books (awaiting to be returned to the library) and other general bits
of paperwork requiring my urgent attention (going back to July of last year). Never
mind all this talk of 'paperless offices', I need far more shelf space, or,
failing that, more space (so that I can get halfway close to my existing
shelves in order to see what is there before I even consider taking anything
off them).
Keep me in the loop
Why, don't you want to get out of the box (where,
I presume, the loop is kept) so that you can climb a hill and think about blue
skies? I know I do.
Singing from the same hymn sheet
Do people not sing from the same hymn sheet and,
if they don't, surely that's tantamount to religious suicide (guaranteeing
hasty removal from the church)? Given that I can't actually sing, I really have
no intention of joining in anyway - I can mime quite well though, does that
help?
Pushing the envelope
I've never 'pushed' an envelope before - is this
a drug reference?
Academic under-pinning
Like a building? Why didn't anyone check to see
what the geology was like before anything academic went up? Sounds like shoddy
research to me.
Get our ducks in a row
Seriously? We have to arrange ducks now? Isn't
this the responsibility of the head of water-based life form
coordination?
The helicopter view
Of the blue sky? Surely if you're in a
helicopter, all you can see is the green grass / grey concrete below, the blue
sky being something that you inhabit (thus ruining both the view and the
thought processes of those lying on their backs on the hill below you).
The list goes on for another two pages, but my
patience, sadly, does not and, in any case, I'm afraid that I'm already seven hours late
for a meeting....
At recent meetings myself and a few colleagues have attempted a few of our own "buzzwords" to see if they were appreciated by the management.
ReplyDeleteThey particularly liked our "take a few spins on the idea carousel" (thank you The Thick of It) and comments about freeing the data from the clouds of confusion to the blue sky thinking zone. We're clearly business naturals.
Fantastic - good work! A friend of mine was recently perplexed by reference (at a meeting, where else?) to what was described as "third-eye visualisation". No explanation was apparently given for this, but to me it conjures up an image of somebody contemplating a cat's rectum...perhaps not the image intended...
ReplyDeleteOne time student, long time colleague (by vague association).
ReplyDeleteMy personal jargon hate is "we are where we are". REALLY? There was me thinking I was somewhere else. In fairness though, in these sorts of meetings, I often WISH I was somewhere else.
"Thinking outside the box" is quite a dangerous one. Just think of the untold damage that could have occured to science IF Schlesinger's cat had thought outside of the box!
AF
Hi Andrew
ReplyDeleteHadn't heard "we are where we are" before, but it's so wonderfully defeatist I may well try and slip it in to the next interminable meeting (which, like you, are the only times that I wish I were not where I was). Thinking outside the box is ALWAYS dangerous, mind you, in a meeting only last week I was told I needed to 'Box clever' which confused me as it was never made clear whether the clever box was the one with me inside (thinking about being outside) or a reference to me having to fight a box (in a clever way)....
ive worked in six university departments and trust me its getting far worse. I blame deans and programme managers who use jargon in order to hide the fact that they really don't know what they're doing. What you need at Bournemouth is a revolution. Storm the winter palace!
ReplyDelete