What does Europe mean to you?: 6

And so it ends...the annual "choose an anthem for the Bournemouth University Summer Archaeological Excavation" (known, for some reason, to those living outside of central Dorset as the Eurovision Song Contest) has finished. The votes have been cast, the selection made and a winner has been crowned. Of course the winner of the television show (Denmark) bears no relation to the winner of the main (Big Dig Anthem) prize, but that's hardly surprising.

Just to keep you in suspense I'll delay the announcement, to be delivered in breathless enthusiastic Eurovision style (just picture me in a silly hat and an insanely toothy grin leaping from foot to foot as if I need the toilet in front of a photo of Bournemouth pier) as I prepare to announce the results of the Dorset vote.

No major surprises this year, especially with regard to the UK entry (Bonnie Tyler) who managed to secure a ground-breaking 23 points and come 19th, nor indeed for Ireland (a one-time contender for the DBD anthem prize) who, despite having a set of terrifyingly tattooed cannibals on drums, finished last with a measly 5. As I've noted before, if you want to win the televised competition, you need to have friends (to help with the block votes). Ireland and the UK, at the north-western fringes of Europe, are geographically, politically and socially isolated (what they ought to do is invite some countries round for dinner more often and share a drink or five).

To win the DBD anthem vote, you don't need friends, political allies, big hair, shoulder pads, fireworks or a man in a box (thank you Azerbaijan)

what you need is....well, I'll come to that in a mo.

The only real, genuine surprise this year was the final voting as, with the absence of so many countries who either failed to make it through the semi finals (Albania, Austria, Bulgaria, Croatia, Cyprus, Israel, Latvia, Macedonia, Montenegro, San Marino, Serbia, Slovenia and Switzerland) or failed to even turn up in the first place (Andorra, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Czech Republic, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Monaco, Morocco, Poland, Portugal, Slovakia and Turkey), the usual rules on block-voting were left hanging.

With Turkey not appearing in the final, it was unclear who Germany or Azerbaijan would award maximum points to; without Cyprus, who would Greece vote for?; with so few Balkan nations getting to the final, who would the ex-Yugoslav republics choose? This confused free-for-all certainly enlivened proceedings somewhat, and there's no doubt that some of the UKs 23 points were derived from this nationalistic meltdown. 

Anyway, to clarify the Big Dig situation (as I’m sure you want to know), and to formally announce the Anthem for this years Excavation (without clarifying in any way my voting system nor any of the bribes and underhand deals that occurred), the winners are (in reverse order):

3) Who See? (also confusingly known as Who See Klapa)

the Montenegrin hip-hop cosmonaut fetishist duo (and their alien/android friend) from the Bay of Kotor with their surreal take on modern culture entitled Igranka or The Party;

2) Alyona Lanskaya

the be-spangled, crystal-egg hatched sprite from Belarus with Solayoh;

And (what with Moldova’s entry from Aliona Moon (O mie) being disqualified from our list for the total absence of a trumpet - although, to be fair, her dress did turn into a volcano) the 2013 winner is:

1) Greece’s entry Alcohol Is Free sung by Koza Mostra (and featuring Agathon Iakovidis)

It had men in skirts, 17 rousing shouts of ‘hey’ (count them), a catchy shout-along chorus (although I’m not sure about the sentiment – are they advocating the Do-It-Yourself production of free booze to drown out the Euro crisis?), a trumpet (appearing both on stage and in the mix) AND the most impressive moustache this side of Walrus Island.

Brilliant.

So thank you Koza Mostra and thank you Greece. Goodnight Eurovision and goodnight Europe….it’s time to don those silly hats and head off into the sunset.

HEY HEY HEY!